Drabble for the Masses

Solutions ahoy!

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 06:15:59 GMT

Dennis's bachelor party tonite. I was the DD, partially because of the reason I like sleeping in my own bed, or at least somewhere better than a hotel room in New Brunswick.

On the ride home, Jim, Tom, and myself had a very interesting conversation regarding life and how it works. In depth, hiding nothing, revealing the secrets of the world, and solving it's problems, all while just talking. Was quite interesting.

Conduits, people, love, and things come in and out of our lives for a reason. It was all very clarifying and peaceful, yet has driven me again towards one of my original goals.

Many books have been brought back to the front of my mind that need to be read. I'll have to get on that. Part of the plan is going well already, and that is the physical activity part.

More to come, just needed to get at least the gist of this out, so if nothing else, I won't forget again.

A day in the mind

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 07:11:53 GMT

It has been some time, my dearest of dear livejournals.

I apologize in advance for the length of this entry. I need to write a lot of things down right now though, and this journal is the only place where I have ever really been me. And that is something I'll get to.

Now to the story. No holding back words. Real emotions, because I have them all back, and that's what has driven me to where I am.

I was a mental mess for the better part of three years since February of '05, which is the time in which I broke up with Kim. Our relationship ended badly. Civilly yes, but badly emotionally definitely for me.

Now, I have had three livejournals. This one, mercuryinkpen, and another that I have kept mostly to myself and a few very, very close confidants. In that journal, I wrote all of the things that I knew were terrible that I actually felt, but didn't have the guts to say out loud. That journal was kept from November of '04 until around April of '05, and me resetting the password after a very strange night with Dan Sommer, and reading the whole thing tonight has brought me to realizations on a lot of things.

While I was reading what I had wrote, I felt so sad for the person who wrote it, which was me at the time, because he was so angry and sad and lonely. And I seriously was disgusted with what I thought because it wasn't the real me writing it. It was some alias that I had created in my head to blame everything I felt on someone else. I seriously was so terribly blind to everything going on around me. My feelings were tainted with such emotions that weren't me. I was hurt, but I had done it to myself more than I would like to admit.

Reading the words of my own hand saying the things that I had made me sick to my stomach. A few times I even said outloud, "No, you seriously were an arrogant bastard," or, "You couldn't be more wrong about yourself." I was a fool who didn't know how to handle what he felt. I still may be a fool, but I refuse to be that callous of a person. That is not me. I am no longer that mess.

I am a loving, caring person. I am not arrogant. I am not a braggart. I feel so much emotion about everything, and I would pretend I didn't. But I was those things for a time, and that makes me sorry for myself. But most of all, I am not angry at that person - he is me - and anger is much too easy a way out to feel about it all. I want to hug myself from three years ago and tell him that it's not worth feeling all that anger and frustration. I want to beat him senseless in a way too, if only to teach him a lesson that all he was going to do was hurt himself for such a long time. Physical pain would fade, emotional pain is much more difficult, and I would rather take a beating, especially from myself, if I could prevent the scarring he caused. But mostly I want to hug him.

A quote I wrote about Kim, when our relationship was ending:

this is really hard. i know sometimes i act like it isn't. but you don't just spend two and a half years of your life with someone and walk away with no scars. i know this for a fact. i have the proof of it. i may not wear it like a badge, but it's there. it's not meant to be worn as a badge. it's just meant to be a reminder of what was, and we all learn. i honestly don't think i can even fathom right now how hard this actually is. i just hope that i'm semi-prepared for it.

One of the only true things I wrote in that whole journal, and it stuck out like a sore thumb because I could tell it was real.

Which brings me to Lauren. I didn't realize it until tonight, because I denied a lot of it for so long, but I remember what it all felt like. Lauren was engaged last year, which is a step I didn't take, and at this point, couldn't imagine the difficulty of. I remember how hard it was for me to deal with it all, and I think I didn't deal with it all completely until very recently. I can't imagine the pain she must feel or what she is going through because I don't know. I haven't got a clue. It kills me that she doesn't talk to me about it, but at the same time, I think I might understand that in the very least, because I sure as hell didn't want to deal with my own semi-related event.

I care about her immensely. Immensely. The only other thing I wrote in that journal that was a real emotion was this musing I had had in hopelessly romantic daydreams, and it is the best way I can describe how I feel about Lauren, and what I want us to be:

searching for a face in a crowded room just to see them. laying in a candle-lit room, where the only images of your partner are through candle-flame. where your sense of sight is impeded just enough that your other senses are heightened. having some kind of sexy eclectic music on (Robbie Robertson's Contact from the Underworld of Redboy or any Enigma album or Frou Frou or the Postal Service... something like that) and just being completely absorbed in the other person, to the point where your minds, bodies, and souls are so entangled that you can't tell where you stop and the other person begins. where every touch excites a part of your body that you didn't know could be so erotic…

having such a deep connection with someone that you can finish their thoughts. having such a deep connection where you can read their thoughts. having such a deep connection that words aren't necessary. being all dorky and cute in public, but chill enough where you can act like that anywhere. finding that even the things that annoy you about the other person are completely tolerable. you love the way they smell. you love the way they stink. when you roll over in the morning and look at them still asleep, and the last thing on your mind is waking them because you don't want to disturb something so beautiful. you just watch, and are awed that something that excruciatingly splendid exists, let alone is next to you, and perhaps even "yours." being so engulfed in a person that words fail, but you try anyway, because if you just keep in bottled inside, it'll explode, and you have to tell someone, everyone how you feel. having things to laugh about that are so funny they make your sides hurt every time, sharing experiences that you'll remember for ages. feeling infinite.

I forgot what all of that felt like. Some of it I had never felt, but with her I feel all of it. And I tell her this on a regular basis, and shall continue to do so. More than anything else though, I really don't want her to get where I was after all of it. I've fallen hard for Lauren. Harder than I think I ever have. At times, it scares me and makes me worry that I will not be the same person to her as I think she is becoming to me, but it does not engulf me, because it is not about the fear and worry. It is about the true passion I feel. I don't want her to push me away because of her past relationship and her not being ready. I do not want this at all, because I honestly think that she feels at least some of this for me as well. There's something very vividly different about how we interact. I hope it is real. If it is, it will be something that the world is definitely not ready for, because I seriously want to run around telling everyone how I feel.

Is it love? I do not know if I am ready for that word, but if it is not, and there is something more intense and filling and completely consuming and completing that I could feel about another individual than this, I do not know if I could handle it.

Are we ever really ready to move past the scars that ourselves or others leave on us in the past? Who the hell knows, but I do know that it takes time. I certainly needed her coming into my life to show me that caring about someone isn't about being afraid if they're going to hurt you or not. It's all about letting go of everything. Letting go of doubt and fear and just letting everything happen. Letting all of the emotions that you honestly, truly feel out, and not keeping them to yourself anymore. Trusting someone wholly simply because of who they are. Wanting and needing to know everything about who they are and how they feel about life and you. Needing to see the actions, and hear the words, which is why I tell her exactly how I feel. Letting it happen because the longer you are scared of the bad things happening again, the more you retreat from what you really want, which is to be happy. And I honestly think that is something that I forgot - how to be complete again.

I don't necessarily want to talk about what could be, but I sure do think about it a lot. I just don't want to give up on what could be either, and I honestly hope she doesn't as well. I think she is giving me one hell of a fair shot, which is saying a lot, because I think she is a stronger person than I was. I tell her every day that I want to be with her, and I honestly think she gets a kick out of it. I think it is refreshing to hear something like that - and I do not think I am overstepping any bounds by doing this. My intentions are pure. I honestly do want to be with her, and I know she believes me. I will continue with this until Rapture comes.

At first, I held back some of what I felt because I did not want to scare her away, but learned very quickly that this was a terrible idea. I need to say everything because, well, that's how I feel. I not only want her to know it all, I want her to know that nothing else even comes close to how important she is becoming to me, and I want her to know me. I cannot hide myself from her, and she knows this. Some would say it is a bad thing to be consumed by emotion like this. I say it is something that is far beyond consuming, and is utter bliss if you just can learn to let go. Again, not to say yet that I am in love; that's a word I told myself I would not throw around anymore, and I don't know if this is, but again, I would like it if it was. I would love to be in love. I would love to throw all caution to the wind for someone, and not just for their happiness, and not just for my own as well, but for the happiness and sheer ecstasy that comes from two people feeling it at the same time for each other, which is something so exponentially greater than what two people can feel apart.

We shall see where the road we currently are walking takes us. I have hope, because as a very smart man once said, "Love is all you need," and if it is there, it will be all I ever need.

Dear Livejournal, and all you crazy kids...

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 06:16:40 GMT

You've been good to me over the last four years. Unfortunately, I have grown tired of this journal. I will be starting another one soon enough that will be more personal, and probably by invite only. I feel this journal and I have grown apart, and it has lost the insight it once had. The next one will be much more focused, and more heavily filtered. This journal shall remain simply as an archive.

Too much is changing, and that includes me. I can't confine myself to this dark corner any longer. The winds have blown hard enough to change my course once more, steering me closer to where I was before, but as always into the wind.

The new journal is at mercuryinkpen

A la prochaine fois,

~Chaz

comprehension is an interesting thing...

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 08:00:13 GMT

went to go into work yesterday, i get there, and beth tells me that there's a chemistry drinking party going on. so instead of working immediately, i go down for wine.

seeing all of your professors smashed is quite amusing. especially when lukeman did a funnel, gans' drunken rambling, and bob spilling wine all over arora. then justin doing a kegstand at a department function.

bob says there's a party going on, i continue to flirt with cute/interesting girl, end up asking her to come out with me to bob's party and possibly dinner on friday. go up to work after a bottle of wine, finish off what needed to get done, walk home to eat and get ready. i itch for the first time in about two months.

get to the bar, there's a party there of cops, they basically tell us we're not getting in, which was messed up as the frat bob belongs to had a deal with bar funds that evening... i get there early, call everyone to let them know, have a pint two doors down at the irish bar there. C/I girl gets there, some of the frat shows up, they get the same response from the bar that i got, so we move down to the bar i was drinking at. got an entire frat hooked on Smithwick's, so i felt accomplished.

had a good time talking to the guys i hadn't seen in a while, and getting to know C/I girl more than i did before, seeing as how i've known her for three years now. was there until everyone was leaving, walked girl home, and from there on, i don't remember much. don't remember how the hell i got home, but i know when i woke up this morning, i was down $70. the bouncer from the club downstairs helped me get into my apartment. very hungover all today, didn't go to work.

all in all, an interesting night.

i can feel the winds shifting, and this time, i really just don't know where they're taking me, which is kinda fun, since at the moment, i don't know where i should/want to be going, so we'll just see where this takes me.

good times.

two finals on the 20th, one paper due around then as well, then i'm home for 4 weeks.

i love winter.

beat me over the head with a brick for long enough, i'll get the fuckin' point

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 07:25:31 GMT

***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***

the relics of the old ways are creeping back in. ways in which i lived quite some time ago, ways long abandoned, but never forgotten. and ya know why? because i've been leading myself down the same path that i led myself down before when i first became that person.

i trusted.

haha, that's such a laugh right now. maybe it's because i saw it coming a fucking thousand miles away. maybe it's just because i knew it was going to happen. anyone who has ever read anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross knows exactly what i've just gone through. i went through it over the last three months slowly, and i just went through it all over again in the last ten minutes.

and ya know why?

cuz nice guys like me, people who devote themselves to an ideal, to a single person, who give them everything that they want with nothing that they don't, have something to learn about life. it's all a facade in the end. optimism is my game. it's how i live. someday, it'll pay off. someday, i'll get what i want. but not right now. i'm not about to change that. there is no way i'm going to change who i am. i am me, and if you don't like it, you can fuck right off.

this is my declaration right here. you can all quote me on it. i didn't give up until this very moment. this very second in fact. but you can all quote me saying this right now.

i give in.

this in no way means i'm changing who i am. fuck anyone who thinks i should. if you think i'm naiive, then fuck you too. i really don't give a fuck. i've tried living other ways, and it just doesn't work for me. i have an innate trust in everyone at the beginning. everyone starts with a positive karma in my book. you have to earn the negative. and ya know, at this moment, i realize so much more than i've been willing to let myself see. my blinders are down. i'm letting myself see with eyes that have been longing for an answer. i'm tired of being ignored and put off. i'm tired of believing there is a chance. and ya know why? because i was again led along the primrose path.

there is so much that i would've given. more than you shall know. i was told by everyone that it was futile, and i still didn't believe, because i didn't hear it directly. by many, many people. and that's ok. it honestly is. ya know why? because i'm used to it. there are very few that have earned the trust i show, and for each of those people, i can list a hundred reasons.

you have no idea, nor ever will now, of what you gave up. i might have even loved you, given the time.

i'm done being nice. i'm done believing in my little fantasy. i've had no reinforcement either way. just enough to keep me tagging along like a stray fuckin' puppy dog. i've had enough. you talk about devotion while it's staring you in the face. now that's a laugh. have a fuckin' field day on this one as far as i'm concerned. i was ALWAYS there. you just never took the time to notice, and took it all for granted... or maybe you just didn't care.

oh and thanks again for the false hope. the sentiments that apparently meant nothing. the poem... the roses... i am rarely this mean, but you brought it out nicely.

you warned me, and you were right. so this is me saying fuck you for being right. hope you're happy. i held on to the idea far longer than i should have, and i don't care if i waited and did everything you possibly asked of me. and i hate that i don't hate you, as cliche as that sounds, because at this moment i can't. congrats, few hold that title.

i'm done. and it's nothing new to me, it's happened at least once at this magnitude before.

a letter to my brain...

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 18:50:28 GMT

Dear Brain,

Kindly shut the fuck up. I have too much work to do right now to deal with you. You'll get your chance to speak when I don't have to worry about school.

Mad love,

~Chaz

oh yeah...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 07:34:40 GMT

***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***

and a funny story. the ex came up to me right before the biochem exam last week and said in many more words than less that she was sorry she ended our relationship back in may. i really, really just wanted to laugh, and hard, but alas, i'm just not that mean a person. the thought did pass through my mind though. i found that quite amusing.

the blue journal that i've kept since fall '00 is gonna get some action soon

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 07:31:57 GMT

going home on wednesday after class, staying there 'til sunday. should be a good time.

i am suffering from a serious lack of physical contact. it's starting to drive me slowly more insane. i am seriously behind in the phsycial attention department.

cuddlers, apply within.

i've decided not to think about grad school at all until after the new year (which yes, for those of you keeping tabs, is a decision, but a good one to have been made).

some time shall be spent at the battlefield when i get home. need to get a few things on paper here and there.

i need diner food and diner coffee and diner atmosphere. there are diners in the city, but they are most definately not diners. they are horrid fascimiles.

been pondering a bunch of things lately as well. as to where my energies are focused, as to where i'm going, as to where i would like to be, as to what would happen if i got everything i truly wanted at the moment, as to how to go about achieving said objective... yeah lots to get on paper.

so get this. i'm taking a music class next semester. private piano lessons. that's just funny to me. i really hope they don't stick me with a graduate student that i know more than. should get the creative juices flowing again.

thinking about trying my hand at poetry again. if i do, i'll post them up here. we'll see how that goes. yet another thing to get down on paper.

i really do need a real journal, not just this mead notebook that i've had around forever.

still haven't gotten around to getting a pet yet. still thinking about whether or not i could really take care of one.

i also need a drinking partner in the city. drinking alone, playing WoW, and ending up in teldrassil was fun for a while, but is slowly getting old.

i think that's all for now. more to come.

you wanta punch in the nuts? cuz i'm in a nut-punching mood.

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 22:13:15 GMT

goodness, i'm glad i revoked my decision-making privileges until thanksgiving.

jon was here for over a week. much rocking out was had. i now have 1500 new songs on my playlist that i am lost for lyrics with. gonna have to get to that.

this week is going to be killer. two exams, three projects. must do work. not motivated to do work. want to go outside and play.

every pair of jeans that i own needs to be sewed. i think that's awesome for some reason.

and for the record, mayonnaise + anal sex = the funniest thought combination ever. also slightly disturbing. hopefully Jenna Haze will never hear about it.

there's quite a plan forming in my head for xmas break. more on that later. needless to say, it's gonna be wild.

back to work. oh there will be fantasticness to come soon.

i love leather

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 20:39:50 GMT

walking down Washington Square East, while wearing my big leather trenchcoat:

Mr. PETA guy : "Hey, would you like to help save the animals?"
Me: "Um, yeah, I'm wearing leather..."

pause.

Mr. PETA guy: (as I'm walking away) "Well at least it's not made out of dogs!!!"

epiphany

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 08:08:47 GMT

the imposter.

we all have our coping mechanisms when we switch over into survival mode. sometimes this requires us to do things that we may not believe in when in a so-called normal state of mind. the problem comes when we get stuck in survival mode too long, and we continue to follow this pattern. i even gave mine a name. i'm currently in the process of getting myself out of survival mode, and back into life. this is part of the solution. i am no longer following the imposter that saved me at some point when i needed him. that part of me is going away right now, and for good. i don't need to be carried anymore.

i am not passive-aggressive, and i have had a habit of being so lately. gonna change that. sometimes i tread too lightly around things, and i come off this way. i am not.

i am also not made of cloth. i'm not gonna tear apart if something big or small happens anymore. i am much stronger than that. life is never a straight line, and i think i forgot this for a while. i'm no longer at risk of falling apart. i can say this honestly.

i am also not someone who gives up easily. i am not easily deterred or side-tracked. i know what i want, and will not go out quietly, but kicking and fucking screaming if i must. i know what i want to do with my life, the details are all that i need worry about.

so many things have changed up here in the city. and i had to adapt, and in that, i forgot some of the basic tenants of being me.

i'm no longer just trying to keep my head above water, it just took me a while to find my stride again.

proof that god is a bastard...

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 09:31:15 GMT

one out of every 3 girls on my street tonite dressed up for halloween were cathoic school girls with tartan skirts...

and out bartender was St. Pauli Girl...

c'mon now...

i mean seriously... what the hell...

heh heh

somewhere between the lines

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 08:58:09 GMT

as i have done on more than a few occasions, i am removing my decision-making privileges until thanksgiving.

my life is stable. my well-being is stable. i am on an emotional rollercoaster at times. at least ten times a day, i'm so rediculously happy that i can't believe it. fifteen minutes later, i sometimes feel like everything is on the verge of falling apart. who the hell knows. as to the source of all of this, i have no clue at this point. i have some ideas, but all of them fall short of the whole picture.

it's funny. on a whole, things are a lot better than they have been in quite a long time. and in general, i'm happy again.

i live in a strange world. i realize a lot of the things that i believe in are fantasy. i've gotten over a lot of them. this city is really starting to get to me. on a whole, this four-year experience has taught me a hell of a lot about me. jaded the shit out of me more than i already was, yes. it's like things are completely different than i ever remember them up here. unfortunately, i think i put myself in a lot of those situations myself. i blame nobody else but me for that one. i am happy again, but the lingering feeling of toxicity remains. i am not the same person here as i am when i'm not here, partially because of the lack of humans i trust here.

meh, it's also funny that i've got a shortage of trust up here. which is kind of sad. i trust very few, but i always am looking for more. guess it's a personality flaw. i don't hide myself. it's not who i am. what you see is what you get. i always come on strong, i know i always have. other people who come on strong are the ones i seem to get along with. the problem with that lies in the bounds of loyalty that go along with it.

which is what i require. loyalty and trust. it's a lot to ask, and i'll have it no other way. none. that is the one thing that is a must. granted, there are degrees of this. but in this, i am unflinching. it explains a lot about my past: those that are still around, and those that aren't.

i also know a lot about what i want in life. i would like to believe that my ambition does not exceed my talent, in all areas of life.

i also have a penchant for waxing metaphoric and philosophic lately.

another thing is that i need to be around people who are life-saavy instead of book-saavy. not necessarily people who know how to live life, but those who understand how it works. instead of all these pompous bastards here (much love to my NYC friends, i'm not talking about you) who know nothing about how to live, which in part led to the spring fiasco.

oh and here's another thing. i care too much. about everything. i've toned this down a little, seeing as how i realized that, in combination with having way too much on my plate, was part of the reason i had a mental breakdown.

and another. judgemental people. now here's a very fine line to walk. i am a judgemental person to a small degree, but not so much as i am a sensing person (you psych majors out there will appreciate that). people that are judgemental about the surface-character of others really gets to me. it's part of the whole coming on strong and knowing who you are thing. generally i've learned that people who know more about themselves are the ones who don't give a shit about what others think, and often are misjudged based on this. haha, i think that's a great discription of almost every single one of my friends. i can't even think of an exception to that one.

now i've changed a lot since i've came here. i wrote something in my real journal (the paper one) about this the other day. the basic gist of it was that i know more now and am a different person than i was at 20, and i know far less and am a different person than i will be at 22. i think change is absolutely necessary in people. but there are degrees. people who change too much too fast lose sight of everything. people who change too slow are left in the dust of others that move faster. in some respects, i guess i could chalk that up to part of the MB as well - too much change for me in a short period of time. i am still me, however (i realize the clashing of points here with one made previous, but on a whole, this is more true).

i am a chilled out person. it's something you learn to do living in hamilton. and it becomes part of you. i came up here and everything moved a thousand times faster than what i was used to. maybe that's also part of the reason i've only been comfortable in the small, quiet hours, or with certain people.

my mind is also quite random and jumps topics in the very same way.

over the last few months, since the middle of august, i've run into/seen/talked to/ran into online/met up with a bunch of people from my past as well. one of them, the first girl i ever had a crush on back in kindergarten, wrote something quite poetic on my myspace (yeah, i broke down and got one of those). something very nostalgic. and while i miss the days when things were simpler and you were thought weird because you liked to dip your oreos in iced tea (which is still do, btw), i wouldn't trade in the experiences i've had for those days again. they're gone. i don't live in the past. i never forget, but i don't want to have them back. i enjoy life right now. i also talked to my cousin, which i updated about before. he'll always be one of the best friends i'll ever have. not many come close to him, nor will they ever. he moved away when i was 9, and i really haven't seen him all that much since. he was like the brother i didn't have. and it's part of the reason i didn't really grow up an only child. i did in many ways, but in many more i didn't. when i get married, there's no other choice for best man in my book (and just for the record, it's a when, not an if, i will get married someday). among the others are some ex-girlfriends, which i'm still confused about in a lot of respects. some old friends that i'm glad to talk to again, some that i'm not. some people i've successfully avoided since high school as well. noelle who i miss like the dickens. it's like a big reunion.

next topic (this entry is the type of thing that goes through my mind every night, i usually just don't write about it).

moments. george carlin and dennis leary hit it on the head with this one. life is made up of little moments. and it's cliche, but true (at least in my world, dara disagrees with me, but it happens) in my world that you can't just put shit off because you don't think you have the time. i don't think life works like that. ok, so yes i realize that there are situations in which things have to be put off because of circumstance, but life passes you by if you're just sitting around waiting for some imaginary point in life when things are going to be less hectic. life is hectic. all of it. not just now, not just yesterday, not just tomorrow, every single day of it. i am the type of person that can deal with shit on his own, but i need other people around in order to get back to what i consider normal. i just caught myself trying to type that i don't run away from my problems. that's not always true. but i don't think, now that i'm semi-sane again, that that is the way to deal with things. they're not going to go away. they're still going to be there tomorrow until you look them straight in the face and accept that the only way to get past difficulties is to move on. it's not simple. nothing is. but running does nothing, and if anything, puts you further back away from being where you want to be. again, granted, sometimes it takes time to be able to face your problems. but i think that nothing gets accomplished in this time except that you waste days/months/years/decades. and that's not fair to yourself. i did it too, and looking back on it, i know that i couldn't have faced it before i did. i also know that i didn't do it alone, and even though i never really thanked the people that helped out, i know who they are, and my rating of them has gone up exponentially.

i bounced a lot of ideas (very quickly i might add, since she moves at light speed nowadays) off of dara tonite. a lot of things i just want to say. a lot of things that i know i live in my little fantasy-world about. but it's fine. i accept that i live in a partially fantasy world, but what optimist doesn't? even the cynics have their moments of fantasy, where they know what they want, even though they'll never accept it because they don't think it's possible. yet another one of my foibles.

in a way, i've switched roles as well. i always was the stable one, and for the last year, i haven't been. it's changing back slowly but surely. i'd say i'm pretty close to being back. the emotional rollercoaster thing i think is just something i didn't let myself realize before. it's probably been going on forever. and the reason i think things are falling apart is because i have less control of certain things than i'd like to have. just another thing i'm still getting used to. i am a control freak. i need to be in charge, because i don't think anyone else does things like me, and, of course, i think my way is the right way. and of course, i'm wrong about that a lot. i'm a perfectionist. i like things perfect from my point of view. i really need to learn to play well with others, and i realize this. just part of the process i guess.

anyway, i guess that's it for now. i've got an exam in six hours that i really should have been studying for. but my sleep schedule is fucked right now, so now was the time to write.

hooray for being stressed, but still relaxed and happy.

whoa

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 09:40:31 GMT

my cousin called me tonite. one that i haven't really talked to in a very long time. the one that i grew up with between my house and south clinton st.

good shit.

a question for the ages...

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 04:13:24 GMT

so i'm thinking about getting an animal for my apartment.

it can't be a dog or a cat, because dogs are too much work and my da is allergic to cats.

anyone have any ideas?

yeah, about that...

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 00:14:50 GMT

don't mind me. don't mind the last entry either.

i'm just on an emotional rollercoaster right now.

haha, sometimes i wish i were sane...

fuck...

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 11:05:34 GMT

ya know, i'm just not even gonna write it. i had this whole long post written, and i realized it's just not worth it. i'm just tired of feeling like some of the people i call friends are ignoring me until it's convenient for them or they just really don't give a shit.

and then it hit me...

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 08:26:33 GMT

i totally get it.

i think i can sleep better now.

i hate waiting... i'm so impatient, but i think i can do this one. for definate.

yes, i tend to speak in code from time to time. it happens.

and then i made lists! lots of them!

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 04:21:37 GMT

so my mind is in the mood to make a bunch of lists, so here they are:

things i need to do, but don't necessarily want to:

start studying / study more
stop playing so much freakin' WoW
start thinking about what i'm going to do after NYU
get ready for the GREs

things i want to do, but don't necessarily need to:

get out of my apartment more often
read more of the books on my list
get started on my movie list / get some new movies

things i both want and need to do:

get home to visit more often
***stop living in new york city, but realize that i'm stuck here for the next eight months***
take care of myself
start eating right... i really think i just need to start eating on a regular basis
turn smoking back into an indulgence instead of an addiction
be around good people

things some of you probably don't know about me, but should

i am part redneck; my family lives in the mountains, have broken pick-up trucks in their yards, i hunt and fish, i know how to gut animals
i was raised catholic, but do not believe in catholic dogma: i think that god is bigger than that; religion is fluid in my world
i am a simple person to please, honestly
bananas make me want to vomit
i derive my happiness from those around me

indeed.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 09:17:57 GMT

***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***

i've been given a song by girl. can i just say that is one of the ways to my heart?

DMB - Angel

partially because i gave away the nickname after years of holding it close.

i'm a great big dork, i know.

oh yes, yes indeed

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 16:32:08 GMT

***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***

a new entry for the word "fiddlesticks" has been entered onto urbandictionary.com by me. it'll prolly take a few weeks to get there, but it needed to be done.

so much work to do. i guess i better stop procrastinating now...

normal? sorry, we don't sell that here...

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 09:53:27 GMT

one of the strangest thoughts in recent memory just passed through my mind...

Eyes Wide Shut would be a great after-sex movie.

I guess there's just something about a movie that's a total mind-fuck after fucking that just struck me.

Well then, now that I've lost the rest of you that still read this...

no one runs faster than you can...

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 08:18:42 GMT

this entry is just thought arrangement and thinking out loud... just a bunch of rambling. you have been forewarned.

just another post-cut warning, this is a lot of recycled info. i need to get this all out though so it doesn't just clog up like last time, and here's as good a place as any.

so i ran into someone from my hometown yesterday who also goes to NYU. he was a good friend of mine when we were wee, but those details really aren't important here. after the hey, how are you, how've you been, wow you're still here, we chatted about college in general, and how there's so many other things that he'd both rather be doing. the conversation lasted for all of about four minutes, and then we each had places we had to get to, so we said see ya later to each other.

just another one of those moments that i forgot about for a couple of hours. then i started thinking about it again about an hour ago. i think i realize now why i don't really enjoy NYU as much as, say, somewhere else to go to college.

now, as preamble before i go on this rant, i totally wouldn't trade going to NYU for anything. it was totally the place i needed to be at the time. as someone who believe in karma and fate the way that i do, there are a lot of things that have happened here that wouldn't have happened anywhere else: circumstances that led to my first serious relationship and practically living with her for two years, my love for my hometown and jersey in general, events leading to me abandoning friendships with two people that i considered to be within my inner circle of friends, realizing how much i do truly and dearly love my closest friends, learning to deal with shit that happens to me on my own (even though that was a conscious choice, not a product of the enviroment), living on my own and doing all of that business, learning to live on a very limited budget and still be able to have fun, and the value of having other people around. i've met a handful of awesome people here. i've had plenty of awesome times. i've definately had my share of cultural experiences, and i wouldn't be who i am right now if it weren't for this goddamned place. so here's to NYU. ::raises glass of MacAllen to NYU::

ok, so now the rant. and it all starts with a kid, J. now J. and i weren't necessarily friends, but we definately weren't enemies. we were roomies freshman year when i still lived in the dorms. we were very amicable to each other, stayed out of each others way, made compromises, etc. things that roomies have to do. it was especially easy since i was hardly ever there, living in kim and 'sette's room all the time. now, granted, after that year, we all moved out of the dorms, all of us being the Stoop Rats, because we didn't want to live at Water St. and have a 40 minute commute to school in the morning. that's when i realized something was different than i had been expecting.

i had a small group of friends, which is awesome, but i was missing the whole social experience that goes along with college. i think NYU does that a lot. it's really easy, if you don't live in the dorms, to lose that whole "college experience" thing because, in NYC of all places, it's so easy to lose yourself in a crowd of a thousand faces. it's not like there's really a campus either. there's a general area. now i'm sure that not everyone goes through this. but being the way that i am, i just didn't put forth the effort to make new friends with other people. i was fine with that for a while, being in a relationship and living with 5 of my friends. for the second year of college, i just went through with the motions. i took no pleasure in what i was doing really, it was just something that had to get done. it was something along the lines of get done with schoolwork, and then hangout with friends, which is really what i wanted to do in the first place. school was giving me nothing but academic knowledge.

so that summer, i decided i was going to stay in the city, which would change everything from there on out. i was working two jobs, one volunteer and the other part-time as hell with a friend of mine. i started working in the chem labs, which was frustrating at first because i was learning something completely and utterly new, but at the same time i found somewhere where i was kind of enjoying what i was doing at least school-wise. something was still missing. i neglected most of my friends, i didn't hardly talk to anyone. i ended up living with another guy which turned out to be a complete nightmare at the end; the situaition, not the guy. that's when all the panicking and shit started to happen.

and i moved into an apartment on my own. living by myself scared the living shit outta me at first, but over the first month, i kind of grew comfortable with it, since i didn't have to worry about coming in at odd hours, i didn't have to fight for music, i didn't have to worry about walking/sitting around naked all the time. i could do whatever i wanted. and it was great. still panicking a bunch, and growing increasing aware that my relationship wasn't working in the context that it was confined to. still working in the labs which kept me happy with school, but just going through the motions again with classwork and lectures.

so i went home that winter for the first time since the last winter. to make a long story short, i made a lot of decisions that winter regarding life in general. i was growing comfortable in my own skin. but still panicking. went back to school. now this is where all everything happened at once: kim and i split, met erin, met dray, and started panicking daily. something was seriously imbalanced. i totally hated the second half of last semester from the start of spring break on.

every.
last.
second.
of.
it.

went home this summer and basically had a mental breakdown. i shut myself up in my room, and didn't do hardly anything for about two months. it wasn't until the beginning of august that things started looking up again. it was kind of like being in a dark room with no flashlight, and you know there's a way out, hell, there's a bunch of ways out, but you can't find your way to the door. there's hands reaching out to help guide you, but for some reason, every time you go to grab one, it just crumbles to dust. in the end, i finally got out though. the people who are credited with this know who they are, and there are some who don't, but that's okay because i know who they are.

so, now that i've strayed a bit and told most of the story again, i'll get back to it. something missing. NYU is a huge place. sometimes i think too huge. and too impersonal. you could honestly walk through this school and not meet a single person that you connect with, simply because of it's sheer size. and i have met people i really like. but there's just something about this place that's wholly impersonal. now maybe that's because i don't go out and join clubs, don't seek friends, etc. you could say all of these things, sure, and you'd be totally right, but there's just not any groups that really call out for me to join, and while i love meeting new people, i see the same people all of the time because of what i do, and most of them i just don't even want to give the time of day to. i even attempted this last year, to try to make new friends, and failed miserably on my own accord. i blame that on nobody but myself. not that i don't still talk to them if i see them, it's just not the same as it could have been.

but now it's different. i'm in a totally new world now. i'm happy again. things are looking up for me. my situation is nothing like it has ever been before. i'm still living on my own, but i'm totally in love with that now. my apartment is an open place for people to come in, even though it's a hell of a ways out of the way. i've always got an extra bed, an extra couch, and a fully stocked bar. i've learned that i'm anything but an anti-social person. i thrive on social interaction. i tried so many different ways of living to try to deal with everything, but never my own way 'til about the end of august. while NYC is a great city, it's not mine. it's just another place on a map to me, and i just happen to live here at the moment. i'm going to enjoy every last moment i have left here. i'm looking forward to almost everything right now: getting to reknow old friends, getting to know new ones, classes, life.

and it's never been anybody's fault but my own through all of this. and it's not even that it was my own fault. i was trying to lead a life that wasn't my own. i wasn't dealing with my own shit. i could deal with everyone else's, but not mine. now it's different. finally i'm comfortable in my own skin. i know things won't always be easy, as life never is. but now, i think i can manage.

i mean, how could i not be? i'm dating an adorable girl who is just too much for words to do any justice to, my mom just retired and is happier than all get out, all of my close friends are back in school and all seem really happy, my friends from around here are back in the swing of things and there's no hard feelings left that i know of. school is good. life is good.

my world is a pretty good place to be.

and i think i'm gonna keep it that way.

note to all:

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 05:51:33 GMT

over the last couple of weeks since i've started feeling better, i've had the habit of rambling on about really serious topics.

while acceptable in certain situations, i've been doing it way too much.

if i start something like this and have no cause to do so, please just smack the shit outta me. it needs to stop. i'm starting to annoy myself with it. haha.

addendum

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 23:30:18 GMT

***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***

also, a few side notes:

talked to dray yesterday. i don't think she's that much of a neurotic cunt anymore. still neurotic, just not so much a cunt.

i also still have one more person left in new york that i have to settle some shit with, and that's sam. i don't hold that grudge anymore either, since i really do like the situation that i'm in right now. i think certain people just aren't meant to live together. and i think that it just wasn't working. so that'll get taken care of in the near future as well. just have to find the right time to do it. i'll know when it comes. and either way that it goes, i'll at least know for myself that i told him that i don't hate him. i really never meant for that to be how it was, i just didn't know how to deal with the situation at the time, and now that it's not an issue anymore, i think that can be smoothed over.

yay for being a senior and almost done with undergrad college!