|
|
|
Dennis's bachelor party tonite. I was the DD, partially because of the reason I like sleeping in my own bed, or at least somewhere better than a hotel room in New Brunswick.
On the ride home, Jim, Tom, and myself had a very interesting conversation regarding life and how it works. In depth, hiding nothing, revealing the secrets of the world, and solving it's problems, all while just talking. Was quite interesting.
Conduits, people, love, and things come in and out of our lives for a reason. It was all very clarifying and peaceful, yet has driven me again towards one of my original goals.
Many books have been brought back to the front of my mind that need to be read. I'll have to get on that. Part of the plan is going well already, and that is the physical activity part.
More to come, just needed to get at least the gist of this out, so if nothing else, I won't forget again.
|
|
Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
|
|
|
It has been some time, my dearest of dear livejournals.
I apologize in advance for the length of this entry. I need to write a lot of things down right now though, and this journal is the only place where I have ever really been me. And that is something I'll get to.
Now to the story. No holding back words. Real emotions, because I have them all back, and that's what has driven me to where I am.
I was a mental mess for the better part of three years since February of '05, which is the time in which I broke up with Kim. Our relationship ended badly. Civilly yes, but badly emotionally definitely for me.
Now, I have had three livejournals. This one, mercuryinkpen, and another that I have kept mostly to myself and a few very, very close confidants. In that journal, I wrote all of the things that I knew were terrible that I actually felt, but didn't have the guts to say out loud. That journal was kept from November of '04 until around April of '05, and me resetting the password after a very strange night with Dan Sommer, and reading the whole thing tonight has brought me to realizations on a lot of things.
While I was reading what I had wrote, I felt so sad for the person who wrote it, which was me at the time, because he was so angry and sad and lonely. And I seriously was disgusted with what I thought because it wasn't the real me writing it. It was some alias that I had created in my head to blame everything I felt on someone else. I seriously was so terribly blind to everything going on around me. My feelings were tainted with such emotions that weren't me. I was hurt, but I had done it to myself more than I would like to admit.
Reading the words of my own hand saying the things that I had made me sick to my stomach. A few times I even said outloud, "No, you seriously were an arrogant bastard," or, "You couldn't be more wrong about yourself." I was a fool who didn't know how to handle what he felt. I still may be a fool, but I refuse to be that callous of a person. That is not me. I am no longer that mess.
I am a loving, caring person. I am not arrogant. I am not a braggart. I feel so much emotion about everything, and I would pretend I didn't. But I was those things for a time, and that makes me sorry for myself. But most of all, I am not angry at that person - he is me - and anger is much too easy a way out to feel about it all. I want to hug myself from three years ago and tell him that it's not worth feeling all that anger and frustration. I want to beat him senseless in a way too, if only to teach him a lesson that all he was going to do was hurt himself for such a long time. Physical pain would fade, emotional pain is much more difficult, and I would rather take a beating, especially from myself, if I could prevent the scarring he caused. But mostly I want to hug him.
A quote I wrote about Kim, when our relationship was ending:
this is really hard. i know sometimes i act like it isn't. but you don't just spend two and a half years of your life with someone and walk away with no scars. i know this for a fact. i have the proof of it. i may not wear it like a badge, but it's there. it's not meant to be worn as a badge. it's just meant to be a reminder of what was, and we all learn. i honestly don't think i can even fathom right now how hard this actually is. i just hope that i'm semi-prepared for it.
One of the only true things I wrote in that whole journal, and it stuck out like a sore thumb because I could tell it was real.
Which brings me to Lauren. I didn't realize it until tonight, because I denied a lot of it for so long, but I remember what it all felt like. Lauren was engaged last year, which is a step I didn't take, and at this point, couldn't imagine the difficulty of. I remember how hard it was for me to deal with it all, and I think I didn't deal with it all completely until very recently. I can't imagine the pain she must feel or what she is going through because I don't know. I haven't got a clue. It kills me that she doesn't talk to me about it, but at the same time, I think I might understand that in the very least, because I sure as hell didn't want to deal with my own semi-related event.
I care about her immensely. Immensely. The only other thing I wrote in that journal that was a real emotion was this musing I had had in hopelessly romantic daydreams, and it is the best way I can describe how I feel about Lauren, and what I want us to be:
searching for a face in a crowded room just to see them. laying in a candle-lit room, where the only images of your partner are through candle-flame. where your sense of sight is impeded just enough that your other senses are heightened. having some kind of sexy eclectic music on (Robbie Robertson's Contact from the Underworld of Redboy or any Enigma album or Frou Frou or the Postal Service... something like that) and just being completely absorbed in the other person, to the point where your minds, bodies, and souls are so entangled that you can't tell where you stop and the other person begins. where every touch excites a part of your body that you didn't know could be so erotic…
having such a deep connection with someone that you can finish their thoughts. having such a deep connection where you can read their thoughts. having such a deep connection that words aren't necessary. being all dorky and cute in public, but chill enough where you can act like that anywhere. finding that even the things that annoy you about the other person are completely tolerable. you love the way they smell. you love the way they stink. when you roll over in the morning and look at them still asleep, and the last thing on your mind is waking them because you don't want to disturb something so beautiful. you just watch, and are awed that something that excruciatingly splendid exists, let alone is next to you, and perhaps even "yours." being so engulfed in a person that words fail, but you try anyway, because if you just keep in bottled inside, it'll explode, and you have to tell someone, everyone how you feel. having things to laugh about that are so funny they make your sides hurt every time, sharing experiences that you'll remember for ages. feeling infinite.
I forgot what all of that felt like. Some of it I had never felt, but with her I feel all of it. And I tell her this on a regular basis, and shall continue to do so. More than anything else though, I really don't want her to get where I was after all of it. I've fallen hard for Lauren. Harder than I think I ever have. At times, it scares me and makes me worry that I will not be the same person to her as I think she is becoming to me, but it does not engulf me, because it is not about the fear and worry. It is about the true passion I feel. I don't want her to push me away because of her past relationship and her not being ready. I do not want this at all, because I honestly think that she feels at least some of this for me as well. There's something very vividly different about how we interact. I hope it is real. If it is, it will be something that the world is definitely not ready for, because I seriously want to run around telling everyone how I feel.
Is it love? I do not know if I am ready for that word, but if it is not, and there is something more intense and filling and completely consuming and completing that I could feel about another individual than this, I do not know if I could handle it.Are we ever really ready to move past the scars that ourselves or others leave on us in the past? Who the hell knows, but I do know that it takes time. I certainly needed her coming into my life to show me that caring about someone isn't about being afraid if they're going to hurt you or not. It's all about letting go of everything. Letting go of doubt and fear and just letting everything happen. Letting all of the emotions that you honestly, truly feel out, and not keeping them to yourself anymore. Trusting someone wholly simply because of who they are. Wanting and needing to know everything about who they are and how they feel about life and you. Needing to see the actions, and hear the words, which is why I tell her exactly how I feel. Letting it happen because the longer you are scared of the bad things happening again, the more you retreat from what you really want, which is to be happy. And I honestly think that is something that I forgot - how to be complete again.
I don't necessarily want to talk about what could be, but I sure do think about it a lot. I just don't want to give up on what could be either, and I honestly hope she doesn't as well. I think she is giving me one hell of a fair shot, which is saying a lot, because I think she is a stronger person than I was. I tell her every day that I want to be with her, and I honestly think she gets a kick out of it. I think it is refreshing to hear something like that - and I do not think I am overstepping any bounds by doing this. My intentions are pure. I honestly do want to be with her, and I know she believes me. I will continue with this until Rapture comes.
At first, I held back some of what I felt because I did not want to scare her away, but learned very quickly that this was a terrible idea. I need to say everything because, well, that's how I feel. I not only want her to know it all, I want her to know that nothing else even comes close to how important she is becoming to me, and I want her to know me. I cannot hide myself from her, and she knows this. Some would say it is a bad thing to be consumed by emotion like this. I say it is something that is far beyond consuming, and is utter bliss if you just can learn to let go. Again, not to say yet that I am in love; that's a word I told myself I would not throw around anymore, and I don't know if this is, but again, I would like it if it was. I would love to be in love. I would love to throw all caution to the wind for someone, and not just for their happiness, and not just for my own as well, but for the happiness and sheer ecstasy that comes from two people feeling it at the same time for each other, which is something so exponentially greater than what two people can feel apart.
We shall see where the road we currently are walking takes us. I have hope, because as a very smart man once said, "Love is all you need," and if it is there, it will be all I ever need.
|
|
Monday, December 19th, 2005
|
|
|
You've been good to me over the last four years. Unfortunately, I have grown tired of this journal. I will be starting another one soon enough that will be more personal, and probably by invite only. I feel this journal and I have grown apart, and it has lost the insight it once had. The next one will be much more focused, and more heavily filtered. This journal shall remain simply as an archive.
Too much is changing, and that includes me. I can't confine myself to this dark corner any longer. The winds have blown hard enough to change my course once more, steering me closer to where I was before, but as always into the wind.
The new journal is at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mercuryinkpen
A la prochaine fois,
~Chaz
|
|
Friday, December 16th, 2005
|
|
|
went to go into work yesterday, i get there, and beth tells me that there's a chemistry drinking party going on. so instead of working immediately, i go down for wine.
seeing all of your professors smashed is quite amusing. especially when lukeman did a funnel, gans' drunken rambling, and bob spilling wine all over arora. then justin doing a kegstand at a department function.
bob says there's a party going on, i continue to flirt with cute/interesting girl, end up asking her to come out with me to bob's party and possibly dinner on friday. go up to work after a bottle of wine, finish off what needed to get done, walk home to eat and get ready. i itch for the first time in about two months.
get to the bar, there's a party there of cops, they basically tell us we're not getting in, which was messed up as the frat bob belongs to had a deal with bar funds that evening... i get there early, call everyone to let them know, have a pint two doors down at the irish bar there. C/I girl gets there, some of the frat shows up, they get the same response from the bar that i got, so we move down to the bar i was drinking at. got an entire frat hooked on Smithwick's, so i felt accomplished.
had a good time talking to the guys i hadn't seen in a while, and getting to know C/I girl more than i did before, seeing as how i've known her for three years now. was there until everyone was leaving, walked girl home, and from there on, i don't remember much. don't remember how the hell i got home, but i know when i woke up this morning, i was down $70. the bouncer from the club downstairs helped me get into my apartment. very hungover all today, didn't go to work.
all in all, an interesting night.
i can feel the winds shifting, and this time, i really just don't know where they're taking me, which is kinda fun, since at the moment, i don't know where i should/want to be going, so we'll just see where this takes me.
good times.
two finals on the 20th, one paper due around then as well, then i'm home for 4 weeks.
i love winter.
|
|
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
|
|
|
***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***
the relics of the old ways are creeping back in. ways in which i lived quite some time ago, ways long abandoned, but never forgotten. and ya know why? because i've been leading myself down the same path that i led myself down before when i first became that person.
i trusted.
haha, that's such a laugh right now. maybe it's because i saw it coming a fucking thousand miles away. maybe it's just because i knew it was going to happen. anyone who has ever read anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross knows exactly what i've just gone through. i went through it over the last three months slowly, and i just went through it all over again in the last ten minutes.
and ya know why?
cuz nice guys like me, people who devote themselves to an ideal, to a single person, who give them everything that they want with nothing that they don't, have something to learn about life. it's all a facade in the end. optimism is my game. it's how i live. someday, it'll pay off. someday, i'll get what i want. but not right now. i'm not about to change that. there is no way i'm going to change who i am. i am me, and if you don't like it, you can fuck right off.
this is my declaration right here. you can all quote me on it. i didn't give up until this very moment. this very second in fact. but you can all quote me saying this right now.
i give in.
this in no way means i'm changing who i am. fuck anyone who thinks i should. if you think i'm naiive, then fuck you too. i really don't give a fuck. i've tried living other ways, and it just doesn't work for me. i have an innate trust in everyone at the beginning. everyone starts with a positive karma in my book. you have to earn the negative. and ya know, at this moment, i realize so much more than i've been willing to let myself see. my blinders are down. i'm letting myself see with eyes that have been longing for an answer. i'm tired of being ignored and put off. i'm tired of believing there is a chance. and ya know why? because i was again led along the primrose path.
there is so much that i would've given. more than you shall know. i was told by everyone that it was futile, and i still didn't believe, because i didn't hear it directly. by many, many people. and that's ok. it honestly is. ya know why? because i'm used to it. there are very few that have earned the trust i show, and for each of those people, i can list a hundred reasons.
you have no idea, nor ever will now, of what you gave up. i might have even loved you, given the time.
i'm done being nice. i'm done believing in my little fantasy. i've had no reinforcement either way. just enough to keep me tagging along like a stray fuckin' puppy dog. i've had enough. you talk about devotion while it's staring you in the face. now that's a laugh. have a fuckin' field day on this one as far as i'm concerned. i was ALWAYS there. you just never took the time to notice, and took it all for granted... or maybe you just didn't care.
oh and thanks again for the false hope. the sentiments that apparently meant nothing. the poem... the roses... i am rarely this mean, but you brought it out nicely.
you warned me, and you were right. so this is me saying fuck you for being right. hope you're happy. i held on to the idea far longer than i should have, and i don't care if i waited and did everything you possibly asked of me. and i hate that i don't hate you, as cliche as that sounds, because at this moment i can't. congrats, few hold that title.
i'm done. and it's nothing new to me, it's happened at least once at this magnitude before.
|
|
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
|
|
|
Dear Brain,
Kindly shut the fuck up. I have too much work to do right now to deal with you. You'll get your chance to speak when I don't have to worry about school.
Mad love,
~Chaz
|
|
Monday, November 21st, 2005
|
|
|
***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***
and a funny story. the ex came up to me right before the biochem exam last week and said in many more words than less that she was sorry she ended our relationship back in may. i really, really just wanted to laugh, and hard, but alas, i'm just not that mean a person. the thought did pass through my mind though. i found that quite amusing.
|
|
|
going home on wednesday after class, staying there 'til sunday. should be a good time.
i am suffering from a serious lack of physical contact. it's starting to drive me slowly more insane. i am seriously behind in the phsycial attention department.
cuddlers, apply within.
i've decided not to think about grad school at all until after the new year (which yes, for those of you keeping tabs, is a decision, but a good one to have been made).
some time shall be spent at the battlefield when i get home. need to get a few things on paper here and there.
i need diner food and diner coffee and diner atmosphere. there are diners in the city, but they are most definately not diners. they are horrid fascimiles.
been pondering a bunch of things lately as well. as to where my energies are focused, as to where i'm going, as to where i would like to be, as to what would happen if i got everything i truly wanted at the moment, as to how to go about achieving said objective... yeah lots to get on paper.
so get this. i'm taking a music class next semester. private piano lessons. that's just funny to me. i really hope they don't stick me with a graduate student that i know more than. should get the creative juices flowing again.
thinking about trying my hand at poetry again. if i do, i'll post them up here. we'll see how that goes. yet another thing to get down on paper.
i really do need a real journal, not just this mead notebook that i've had around forever.
still haven't gotten around to getting a pet yet. still thinking about whether or not i could really take care of one.
i also need a drinking partner in the city. drinking alone, playing WoW, and ending up in teldrassil was fun for a while, but is slowly getting old.
i think that's all for now. more to come.
|
|
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
|
|
|
goodness, i'm glad i revoked my decision-making privileges until thanksgiving.
jon was here for over a week. much rocking out was had. i now have 1500 new songs on my playlist that i am lost for lyrics with. gonna have to get to that.
this week is going to be killer. two exams, three projects. must do work. not motivated to do work. want to go outside and play.
every pair of jeans that i own needs to be sewed. i think that's awesome for some reason.
and for the record, mayonnaise + anal sex = the funniest thought combination ever. also slightly disturbing. hopefully Jenna Haze will never hear about it.
there's quite a plan forming in my head for xmas break. more on that later. needless to say, it's gonna be wild.
back to work. oh there will be fantasticness to come soon.
|
|
Friday, November 4th, 2005
|
|
|
walking down Washington Square East, while wearing my big leather trenchcoat:
Mr. PETA guy : "Hey, would you like to help save the animals?"
Me: "Um, yeah, I'm wearing leather..."
pause.
Mr. PETA guy: (as I'm walking away) "Well at least it's not made out of dogs!!!"
|
|
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
|
|
|
the imposter.
we all have our coping mechanisms when we switch over into survival mode. sometimes this requires us to do things that we may not believe in when in a so-called normal state of mind. the problem comes when we get stuck in survival mode too long, and we continue to follow this pattern. i even gave mine a name. i'm currently in the process of getting myself out of survival mode, and back into life. this is part of the solution. i am no longer following the imposter that saved me at some point when i needed him. that part of me is going away right now, and for good. i don't need to be carried anymore.
i am not passive-aggressive, and i have had a habit of being so lately. gonna change that. sometimes i tread too lightly around things, and i come off this way. i am not.
i am also not made of cloth. i'm not gonna tear apart if something big or small happens anymore. i am much stronger than that. life is never a straight line, and i think i forgot this for a while. i'm no longer at risk of falling apart. i can say this honestly.
i am also not someone who gives up easily. i am not easily deterred or side-tracked. i know what i want, and will not go out quietly, but kicking and fucking screaming if i must. i know what i want to do with my life, the details are all that i need worry about.
so many things have changed up here in the city. and i had to adapt, and in that, i forgot some of the basic tenants of being me.
i'm no longer just trying to keep my head above water, it just took me a while to find my stride again.
|
|
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
|
|
|
one out of every 3 girls on my street tonite dressed up for halloween were cathoic school girls with tartan skirts...
and out bartender was St. Pauli Girl...
c'mon now...
i mean seriously... what the hell...
heh heh
|
|
Thursday, October 20th, 2005
|
|
|
as i have done on more than a few occasions, i am removing my decision-making privileges until thanksgiving.
my life is stable. my well-being is stable. i am on an emotional rollercoaster at times. at least ten times a day, i'm so rediculously happy that i can't believe it. fifteen minutes later, i sometimes feel like everything is on the verge of falling apart. who the hell knows. as to the source of all of this, i have no clue at this point. i have some ideas, but all of them fall short of the whole picture.
it's funny. on a whole, things are a lot better than they have been in quite a long time. and in general, i'm happy again.
( and then i started writing down everything that i usually think every night... )
anyway, i guess that's it for now. i've got an exam in six hours that i really should have been studying for. but my sleep schedule is fucked right now, so now was the time to write.
hooray for being stressed, but still relaxed and happy.
|
|
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
|
| Subject: | whoa |
| Time: | 5:40 am. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | watching Sideways. |
|
my cousin called me tonite. one that i haven't really talked to in a very long time. the one that i grew up with between my house and south clinton st.
good shit.
|
|
Monday, October 10th, 2005
|
|
|
so i'm thinking about getting an animal for my apartment.
it can't be a dog or a cat, because dogs are too much work and my da is allergic to cats.
anyone have any ideas?
|
|
Saturday, October 8th, 2005
|
|
|
don't mind me. don't mind the last entry either.
i'm just on an emotional rollercoaster right now.
haha, sometimes i wish i were sane...
|
| Subject: | fuck... |
| Time: | 7:05 am. |
| Mood: |  drained. | | Music: | Margaret Cho - Drunk With Power. |
|
|
ya know, i'm just not even gonna write it. i had this whole long post written, and i realized it's just not worth it. i'm just tired of feeling like some of the people i call friends are ignoring me until it's convenient for them or they just really don't give a shit.
|
|
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
|
|
|
i totally get it.
i think i can sleep better now.
i hate waiting... i'm so impatient, but i think i can do this one. for definate.
yes, i tend to speak in code from time to time. it happens.
|
|
|
so my mind is in the mood to make a bunch of lists, so here they are:
things i need to do, but don't necessarily want to:
start studying / study more
stop playing so much freakin' WoW
start thinking about what i'm going to do after NYU
get ready for the GREs
things i want to do, but don't necessarily need to:
get out of my apartment more often
read more of the books on my list
get started on my movie list / get some new movies
things i both want and need to do:
get home to visit more often
***stop living in new york city, but realize that i'm stuck here for the next eight months***
take care of myself
start eating right... i really think i just need to start eating on a regular basis
turn smoking back into an indulgence instead of an addiction
be around good people
things some of you probably don't know about me, but should
i am part redneck; my family lives in the mountains, have broken pick-up trucks in their yards, i hunt and fish, i know how to gut animals
i was raised catholic, but do not believe in catholic dogma: i think that god is bigger than that; religion is fluid in my world
i am a simple person to please, honestly
bananas make me want to vomit
i derive my happiness from those around me
|
|
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
|
| Subject: | indeed. |
| Time: | 5:17 am. |
| Mood: |  enthralled. | | Music: | Dave Matthews Band - Angel. |
|
***PREVIOUSLY LOCKED***
i've been given a song by girl. can i just say that is one of the ways to my heart?
DMB - Angel
partially because i gave away the nickname after years of holding it close.
i'm a great big dork, i know.
|
|
|
peaceful.
thankful.
moody.
relaxed.
unsurprised.
busy.
curious.
amused.
determined.
drunk.
contemplative.
crazy.
optimistic.
hungry.